Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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