I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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