i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You're a waste of cheezeits
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
