38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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