remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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