Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
