a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
sarcasm needs its own font
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
