I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
