I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
