I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
