I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
wow bdsm is so cute
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
