My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
