My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
