I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
