guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
