I think i peed on brittanys purse
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
