It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
is it fun? or sober?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
