I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
not ubering you a puppy
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
