Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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