def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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