tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
