Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
