I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
