Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Less talking, more tequila
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
