this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
