Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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