90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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