just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
