I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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