I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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