God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
