Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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