i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
