i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
