good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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