when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
