Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
