Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
