gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
