Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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