saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
