it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
