When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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