just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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