i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
