I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
