i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
