I think im going to throw up on grandma
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
