if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
