Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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