Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
is wine microwaveable?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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